New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
