this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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