he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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