The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
