all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
