Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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