woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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