I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
