ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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