Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
