just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
