I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
