My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize