i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
