So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
