Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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