I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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