im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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