can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
