Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
