I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
