I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
