Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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