Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize