I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize