I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I got her a Nickelback box set.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
