The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
