i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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