I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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