After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
