I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize