angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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