I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Bring me that man meat
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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