if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
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