So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Damn victory sex feels great
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