i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
