she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
