I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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