I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
