like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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