I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
