i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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