i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
