I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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