I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
