he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Fuck appropriateness.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He's on the porch naked. Help.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
