We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
