So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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