She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
