The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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