"it" just moved
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize