I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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