omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
