I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
