Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
