Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize