My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
