Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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