sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
