Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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