I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize