I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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