did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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