I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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