Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
